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------------------------- A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?" She replied, "Your horse called." ---------------- ROFLMAO! ------------------------- A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy. God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that ------------------------- A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Florida State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, " Florida State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left. ------------------------- Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday. ------------------------- Yesterday I was at my local Cosco Club buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Sam's won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends......it will be their Laugh for the day ------------------------- Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour. The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered; ''The weather out there is terrible.... ' My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?" I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing! ------------------------- Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.. The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, ’Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.’ The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, ’Nope, ain’t Bubba.’ The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, ’Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.’ The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, ’No, it ain’t Bubba.’ The mortician asked, ’How can you tell?’ Gomer said, ’Well, Bubba had two assholes.’ ’What? He had two assholes?’ asked the mortician. ’Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say, ’There’s Bubba with them two assholes’. ------------------------- George and Edna had been married for years, and one day they decided to go on vacation in Arizona. During one of the hottest days, Edna decided to stay in and read a book, while George went shopping. Now, George had always wanted a nice bair of western boots, but Edna hated them and didn’t want him to have a pair. While shopping, George saw a beautiful pair of boots, and decided to buy them. On arriving back at the resort, George walked in, put his foot up on the foot of the bed, and asked Edna, "Do you notice anything different?" Edna looked, and said "No." George, frustrated, goes to the bathroom, takes off all his clothes, puts the boots back on and comes back out. Again, he puts his foot up on the foot of the bed, and asks Edna, "NOW do you notice anything different?" Edna looks, and says "It was hanging down yesterday, it’s hanging down today, and it’ll be hanging down tomorrow...nope! Nothing different!" George declares "It’s hanging down, because it’s looking at my brand new boots!" Edna looks at him and says "You should have bought a hat!" ------------------------- A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside Her, ’Father, may I ask a favor?’ ’Of course my child. What may I do for you?’ ’Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s Birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid They’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for Me? Under your robes perhaps?’ The priest answered: ’I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.’ ’With your honest face, Father, no one will question you’ When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official Asked, ’Father, do you have anything to declare?’ ’From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.’ The official thought this answer strange, so asked, ’And what do you have to Declare from your waist to the floor?’ ’I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which Is, to date, unused.’ Roaring with laughter, the official said, ’Go ahead, Father.’ NEXT ------------------------- NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, and A 1 lb . package of bacon. As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ’You must be single. I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: ’Well, you know what, you’re absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?’ The drunk replied, ’Cause you’re ugly. ------------------------- A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her Vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the Surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses Carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. ’I thought I asked you not To tell anyone about my operation!’ The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and That the first rose was from him: ’I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.’ ’The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and Empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.’ ’And what about the third rose ?’ she asked. ’That’s from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for His new ears.’ ------------------------- ..........Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20, 000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on baby, this Southern Girl needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared a each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."...............;) ------------------------- With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started. Shut up. You know it's funny. ---------------------- Taking the dog for a walk... A little girl asked her Mom, " Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? " Mom replies, " No, because she is in heat. "What's that mean? "asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage. " The little girl goes to the garage and says, " Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you. " Dad said, " Bring Belle over here. " He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said " OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block." The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, " Where's Belle? " (YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! ) The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home. ------------------------ On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. ---------------------- WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY... LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME. AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY." I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER. MY KIDS ATE BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT. AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY, JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED. I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME." I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!" WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY. ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?" I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT." AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK." OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED. SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY". AND I JUST SAT THERE... ON THE COUCH... NAKED ------------------------- MEDICAL ANNOUNCEMENT Pfizer Corporation announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names "cocktails," "highballs", and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of...yep, you guessed it. "MOUNT & DO." ------------------------- George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One. The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1, 000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy." The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make the whole world really happy." ------------------------ An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.' ------------------------ ------------------------ ------------------------
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